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Experiencing refusal, notably when it recurs often, is far from pleasant. Someone is saying no, giving a firm “No.” As a writer, I am familiar with setbacks. I commenced submitting articles 50 years back, right after completing my studies. Over the years, I have had several works turned down, along with article pitches and many essays. In the last score of years, concentrating on personal essays, the denials have grown more frequent. On average, I face a setback frequently—totaling in excess of 100 annually. Overall, denials throughout my life run into thousands. Today, I could claim a advanced degree in rejection.

However, is this a self-pitying outburst? Not at all. As, at last, at the age of 73, I have accepted rejection.

By What Means Did I Achieve This?

Some context: At this point, almost everyone and their relatives has given me a thumbs-down. I’ve never counted my win-lose ratio—doing so would be quite demoralizing.

As an illustration: lately, an editor nixed 20 pieces in a row before saying yes to one. Back in 2016, over 50 publishing houses vetoed my memoir proposal before one approved it. Later on, 25 literary agents passed on a book pitch. A particular editor suggested that I submit my work less frequently.

My Seven Stages of Rejection

In my 20s, each denial were painful. I took them personally. It seemed like my creation was being turned down, but who I am.

As soon as a manuscript was turned down, I would start the “seven stages of rejection”:

• First, surprise. Why did this occur? Why would editors be ignore my skill?
• Next, refusal to accept. Maybe it’s the wrong person? Perhaps it’s an oversight.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What can editors know? Who made you to hand down rulings on my labours? You’re stupid and their outlet stinks. I reject your rejection.
• After that, anger at them, then frustration with me. Why would I subject myself to this? Am I a masochist?
• Subsequently, pleading (preferably seasoned with optimism). What does it require you to recognise me as a once-in-a-generation talent?
• Then, sadness. I’m no good. Additionally, I’ll never be any good.

So it went through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Excellent Company

Naturally, I was in excellent fellowship. Stories of creators whose work was originally turned down are numerous. Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. James Joyce’s Dubliners. The novelist of Lolita. The author of Catch-22. Nearly each writer of repute was initially spurned. Since they did overcome rejection, then maybe I could, too. The sports icon was dropped from his school team. The majority of US presidents over the last 60 years had earlier failed in campaigns. The actor-writer says that his script for Rocky and bid to appear were turned down numerous times. “I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle to motivate me and keep moving, instead of giving up,” he has said.

The Final Phase

As time passed, as I reached my later years, I achieved the last step of setback. Peace. Today, I more clearly see the many reasons why an editor says no. To begin with, an reviewer may have just published a similar piece, or be planning one in the pipeline, or be considering a similar topic for someone else.

Or, unfortunately, my idea is not appealing. Or the evaluator thinks I am not qualified or stature to fit the bill. Or is no longer in the field for the content I am submitting. Or was too distracted and scanned my work hastily to recognize its value.

Feel free call it an epiphany. Any work can be turned down, and for any reason, and there is almost not much you can do about it. Many explanations for denial are always not up to you.

Within Control

Others are within it. Honestly, my pitches and submissions may from time to time be ill-conceived. They may be irrelevant and impact, or the idea I am attempting to convey is not compelling enough. Or I’m being too similar. Or an aspect about my grammar, notably commas, was offensive.

The essence is that, regardless of all my long career and setbacks, I have succeeded in being recognized. I’ve written multiple works—my first when I was in my fifties, another, a memoir, at older—and more than 1,000 articles. My writings have appeared in newspapers major and minor, in local, national and global outlets. My debut commentary appeared decades ago—and I have now contributed to various outlets for half a century.

However, no blockbusters, no book signings at major stores, no spots on popular shows, no presentations, no book awards, no accolades, no Nobel, and no national honor. But I can more easily accept no at 73, because my, small achievements have eased the stings of my frequent denials. I can choose to be reflective about it all now.

Instructive Rejection

Setback can be educational, but provided that you heed what it’s trying to teach. If not, you will likely just keep seeing denial incorrectly. So what lessons have I acquired?

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